Esaelia and Her Reign of Terror
by Tarame
Summary: The FMA cast faces the most terrifying enemy yet...a Mary Sue! A la gasp. Chapter two is UP.
1. Chapter 1

_Note: I really, really hope that there are still authors who understand Mary-Sue humor. If there's no one who does…it's a sad, sad day for the FMA fandom. And if this story is offensive to you...then your character is a Mary-Sue. So sorry._

The sky was vivid, the sun was brilliant, birds warbled melodies to their fluffy young, and it was the start of the worst day in the Elrics' lives.

Poor Elrics.

It all started on a trip to Central. The two nomadic brothers were visiting on what the younger ominously called "important business", though the elder suspected somewhere in his cynical mind that they were cat hunting.

Central seemed to have lots of cats.

So, anyway, good ol' Ed and Al were walking through the streets minding their own business _when_…a small woman walked past them.

They ignored her.

She walked past again.

They walked slightly faster.

She coughed loudly.

They began to power walk.

She accidentally brushed against Ed in what could be considered a highly seductive manner.

They broke into a run.

Sadly, however, it was not their day. One of the small cats they (aka Al) had been searching for strayed directly into their path, where it lay down and proceeded to give birth.

Ed and Al tripped over the cat at the same time and smashed into the pavement. No one on the street noticed.

Except _her_.

There she was, looming over them like some sinister tower, eyes flashing emerald green. Brilliant emerald green. Incredibly brilliant emerald green. Such an emerald green that it made emeralds themselves looked like little rocks. Her eyes _glowed in the dark_. That's how brilliantly emerald green her eyes were.

In fact, the aforementioned vivid blue sky was suddenly full of menacing dark clouds. One could only guess where they had come from.

"Who are you?" Ed squeaked, suddenly as out of character as a dinosaur with drugs. Or something like that. Imagine it yourself. His eyes widened, OoC pink blushes staining his face like mustard on your favorite shirt. "You're a state alchemist!"

Indeed she was.

Clinging to her small yet busty body was an ill-fitting military uniform, obviously too tight—and since when were the uniforms black? Plus, what was with the miniskirt? As far as Ed had heard, Roy wasn't fuhrer yet. Her hair was fiery red, despite the fact that fire isn't really red, preferring to be orangeish or pale blue or maybe even white, and around her neck, along with a mysterious plot-related charm that probably held dramatic secrets from her angst-ridden past and incredible(y clichéd) power, there was a _state alchemist watch_.

Cue Twilight Zone music.

"My name is Esaelia," she said, voice somehow bright and chipper and horrifyingly scary at the same time. "Also known as the Violet Alchemist."

"I've heard that name," Ed murmured. "In my dreams…"

"Brother?" Al asked, sounding rather horrified.

Esaelia the Violet Alchemist smiled like a vampire. "See yeah," she said lightly, flouncing away.

"She's a famous alchemist," Ed whispered. "She's killed tons and tons of people…she's…she's…"

Al slapped him across the face.

An appalled expression replaced his dreamy one. "Oh my Gawd…was I just acting OoC!"

Al nodded sadly.

Ed trembled, face hung in shame. "I'm so sorry…I—" Here he burst into tears, which are sometimes an aftereffect from exposure to the _Marus Sue._ "She—she's just—"

"It's okay, brother," Al said gently. "I know, I know."

Rain started to fall from the previously azure sky.

"What the—?"

1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1l1

Roy Mustang was just minding his own business reading dirty magazines when _she_ showed up. The door to his office burst open, revealing a curvy, fiery-haired girl of doom. In a mini-skirt.

"Erm…can I help you?"

She strode towards his desk, pulling herself on top of it and crossing her legs slowly. "I finished my paperwork," she said, completely taking the innocence out of the four-word sentence.

"Do I…know you?"

She smiled mysteriously. "I think you do."

"Uh…" Roy wracked his brain, trying to think of meetings, public events, bars, strip clubs et cetera where he might have met her. "Uh."

She started to run her fingers along his face. She laughed as mysteriously as a mystery. Which is very mysterious, for those who don't know.

Roy, judging from the girl's conspicuous appearance and air of mystery and terror, began to draw a conclusion about who she was. "You're a—a _Mary-Sue_."

The girl proceeded to do something very frightening. She started to _rant at thin air._ "Wat r u talking abowt my caricter isn't a marysue ur just jelus that u suk at riting ur such a (&$!)&)!&)!&)!&)&!"

Roy slunk out of his office in fear.

1l1l1l1l1l11l1l11l1l1l1l1l11l1l1l1

Ed and Al were sitting on a train. The train wasn't going anywhere in particular; they just happened to like trains. Anyway, the incident with the Mary-Sue had frightened them so much that they had decided to put as much distance between the Mary-Sue and themselves as possible.

"I hate those things," Ed grumbled, feeling better. "Always so ridiculous looking…"

Al joined in. "Powerful state alchemists with hidden pasts…"

"Tracking you down by scent…"

They sighed in unison. Suddenly, the train lurched to a halt.

"What was that?"

"EVERYONE, WE'RE TRAIN ROBBERS AND WE'RE TAKING ALL YOUR MONEY!"

Oh dear.

"IF YOU RESIST I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PIN YOU TO THE WALL AND CUT YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES WITH MY SWORD SO YOU'D BETTER NOT RESIST ALTHOUGH YOU CAN IF YOU WANT BECAUSE IT WOULD BE PRETTY FUN TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU!"

The speaker was a small brunette girl with an interesting hairstyle. She was dressed in black, and was wildly swinging—a sword!

Her accomplice was tall and looking rather uncertain, a slim girl with heavy blond hair and a similar outfit. "Er, yeah…give us your money!"

The brunette began to slash at the wall, leaving long, deep scars. "AHAHAHAHA! SEE! LOOK HOW STRONG I AM! I COULD KILL YOU ALL, SO YOU'D BETTER JUST HAND OVER YOUR MONEY AND MAYBE IT WON'T HURT! HAHAHAHAHA! JUST KIDDING MAYBE! WHOOOOOOOO!"

"Kajika-san?" the blond girl asked tentatively. "Are you—"

"WHOOOOO! FIVE SODAS IN ONE SITTING! YEAH! BETTER NOT MESS WITH ME! I'M A FREAKING GOD OF DEATH! AHAHAHAH!"

"Kajika-san? I think we'd better not—"

"GIVE ME YOUR MONEY OR ELSE! YEAH! YOU!"

Edward Elric, despite being a prodigious alchemist who was very talented and capable in battle, was too afraid to move. Because the crazy sword girl was _soooooo_ darn frightening. Al also couldn't do anything. Just because. He just sat there quietly.

Crazy Sword Girl aka Kajika came over and began to swing her sword wildly and froth at the mouth. Ed peed his pants in utter terror.

Little did the Elrics know, their bizarre actions were actually the result of nearby Out of Character waves, which act like radiation and tend to emanate from…

"Stop!"

"Eh?" Sword Girl glanced up.

"I said stop!"

Ed's blood went cold. This was even scarier than the sword girl who had absolutely no sense of technique or swordsmanship. This was even scarier than _milk_. Because that voice belonged to—

_She_ leapt out of a nearby compartment, kicking the girl to the ground and wrenching the sword from her grasp as easily as taking a sword from a baby. Or candy. However that goes. The blond girl, knowing what was good for her, fled in terror, because _she_ was a menace. _She_ was…

Esaelia.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUN!

_Yeah, so I didn't know what to do for the train robbers, so I decided to use my OCs from my story Sugar and Blood. Ehehehe. (Go read it!) Anyway, I really hope there are people who like Mary-Sue humor without being offended. To be continued, maybe._


	2. Plot twists

_We're baaaaack. And I'm so glad that there are so many people who liked this. That means the Mary-Sue authors haven't taken over yet._

_For those who don't know, a Mary-Sue is a very unrealistic fan character. She is usually unusual in appearance, and often very attractive. She is very powerful, sometimes even more so than canon characters. A Mary-Sue is sometimes a self-insert (the author changing herself into a cool character), and is often wish fulfillment (the Mary-Sue falls in reciprocated love with the author's favorite character). Yeah, Sues suck. If you need an example, just go read other FMA fics._

_This chapter doesn't seem to funny to me...-is sad-_

(oOo)

"It's you!" Ed squealed like a little piglet about to be eaten by giant snakes. Esaelia smiled like the aforementioned giant snake.

"Hello, Fullmetal Alchemist," she said sweetly. Kajika mumbled something and tried to grab her sword. Esaelia stepped on her head. "Funny meeting you here."

Oh. Good. Golly. Gosh.

She had just saved him. She had just _saved_ him. Ed had battled homunculi, chimeras, and an emotionally disturbed Ishbalan who could blow peoples' brains out of their ears, but he had needed to be saved from this Sword Girl. By Esaelia. The Mary-Sue.

Alchemy help him.

Esaelia giggled, suddenly as pert as an anime schoolgirl. "I'm glad you're okay," she said happily. She leaned forward, looking for—a hug? A kiss? More? (Oh please no.) Ed sank into his seat.

"I want…" Ed said slowly. She smiled knowingly. "I want….to see you belly dance!"

The next thing he knew, Esaelia had whipped her shirt off and was dancing like she had a leech sucking on her belly button. This went on for the better part of ten minutes. Finally, Esaelia finished shaking her adooooorable little butt in the direction of Ed's face and turned around. The window was open. The brothers were gone.

(oOo)

Fact 1: If you have common sense, you don't jump out of a moving train.

Fact 2: If you're being pursued by a Mary-Sue, common sense doesn't apply.

"Damn," Ed muttered, cradling his automail arm, which had sort of cracked from the impact. His hair had also gotten messed up, and he was desperately trying to fix it. Al was also injured, but since he was a suit of armor, he didn't matter too much. "That Esaelia girl SUCKS."

"Brother?" Al asked tentatively. His right arm had basically imploded, but he was way too nice to care about that. "Are you all ri—"

"What do you think?" Ed snapped. "Look! My arm's freaking DENTED! And look at my hair! At this rate, I might actually look NOT SUPER HOT!"

"Well," the younger brother said meekly, "Maybe that will repel that Esaelia girl, since she seems to—"

"Al!" Ed cried. "You're a genius! I have the perfect idea to fix this!"

(oOo)

First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye stared. Blinked. Stared some more.

"Sir?"

"Be quiet," her superior commanded, twitched and nervously flicking his eyes over his shoulder. "She'll hear."

"Sir, with all respect, I don't—"

"_She'll find me_," Roy insisted, and the look in his eyes was so absolutely crazy that she really hoped he wouldn't get rabies and she would have to shoot him. Because that would suck. "_She's everywhere and she knows where I live_."

"But, Sir—a supply closet?"

"She'll never find me here!" With that, he started laughing insanely, and drooling while he did so.

_Crap_, she thought. _I just know I'm going to have to explain this to the higher-ups._

(oOo)

Winry Rockbell, self-described automail extraordinare, was busy dissembling the latest tourist's gadgetry behind his back when the phone rang. Wiping grease off her hands onto a nearby lacey tablecloth, she went over to pick it up.

"Hello," she said brightly. "Rockbell residence. We--"

"I know who you are," a voice said coldly. "You're trying to steal Ed away from me."

"Uh...what?"

"You little slut."

"_Excuse me_?"

"You want him all to yourself. YOU DON'T DESERVE HIM."

"Who is this?"

"I'll come get you," the voice, female, said bitterly. "Just wait." Click.

Winry headed back over to her workbench, proudly hefting her largest wrench. Oh, she would wait. She would wait eagerly.

(oOo)

"Are you sure this will work?"

"You're the one who wanted to do it, Brother."

"Yeah, but it was your idea."

"You LIKED the idea."

"If we mess up, Al, it's all your fault."

"It's MY fault?"

"Ssh! I hear someone!"

Sure enough, there was Esaelia, walking slowly in the moonlight, which was actually bright enough to illuminate her quite well. Shadows hugged her ample curves and beautiful face, which, Ed and Al realized, was streaked with tears. Ed, to his horror, almost felt himself get up from behind the rock that was their hiding place and go comfort her. Sue radiation was POWERFUL. And deadly.

"I don't know what to do, mother, father," she said softly, talking to her amulet. Ed and Al automatically realized that her parents were dead and she was the sole survivor of some tragically clichéd accident. "They're all running from me…I don't think they quite understand that they NEED me. Without us joining forces…the world will end."

Al gasped. Ed groaned. "Of course," he muttered. "It figures."

Tears began to stream down her face, shining in the moonlight. She sobbed beautifully. Ed crushed a rock with his fist.

"Brother," Al gasped, and then, sensing his OoCness, looked down, abashed. Ed glanced up, peering at the girl's bloody crimson amulet.

"Holy crap…is that…?"

"_The Philosopher's Stone,_" Al finished gravely. Esaelia glanced over, hearing a small noise. The brothers ducked.

"How…_stupid,"_ Ed said, in awe of the author's incredible prowess for lame ideas. "That is just—"

"Whoops," Esaelia said cheerily as she accidentally dropped the charm/Philosopher's Stone. She bent over to get it, and Ed, to his dismay, could see her out-of-place jeans riding lower and lower…and lower…

But before he could avert his eyes from Sue's obviously-quite-hot butt…

…he spotted something.

There it was, right above where the curve of her porcelain back became her rear end. A small tattoo. As Ed peered closer, he recognized it.

An Ouroboros.

"WTF?"


End file.
